The third anniversary of September 11th has passed, but we won't be marking it here at the rANT Farm. I said everything I think needs to be said about it here, and I don't feel like engaging in any flag-waving, breast-beating, saber-rattling or weeping on cue to keep up with the Joneses. There are more than enough Joneses out there if that's what you're needing, today.

For those of you who came here for a Tremlett, we proudly present a laugh at a certain someone's expense - with major apologies to David Ives* for what can only be described as blatant theft of a weird and good idea for a one-act play.

(Okay, and an apology to Mike Judge, too. He knows why. Do you?)

(Curtain rises on BILL CLINTON'S study, in his big house in New York. There's a big desk in the middle of the room, and doors to the left and right. Behind the desk are bookshelves filled with photographs of BILL CLINTON shaking hands with just about every important person imaginable (HILLARY CLINTON and Al Gore are suspiciously absent) There are no books on the shelves, however.

(An unpacked computer is perched on the left corner of the desk. There are pens, reams of paper and several magazines, with a TV remote perched on the top of one of them. A huge container of antacids sits in the middle of his desk, well within reach.

(BILL CLINTON is seated behind his desk with his reading glasses on, staring into space. There's a copy of Divorce for Dummies in his lap, but we can't see this is the book he's reading yet.)

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) Bill?

BILL CLINTON: (still in his own thoughts)

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) Bill...?

BILL CLINTON: (looks to the door) Yes dear?

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) What are you doing?

BILL CLINTON: Reading, honey.

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) What are you reading?

BILL CLINTON: (Holding the book up, so the audience can see what it is) Oh, nothing important, honey.

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) How are those memoirs coming along?

BILL CLINTON: Oh... (looks at the unpacked computer) You know, I'm still thinking of what to call them...

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) What? Bill, I told you what to call them, already.

(Thumping footsteps at stage left announce her arrival. Bill quickly opens a drawer and tosses the book inside the desk.)

HILLARY CLINTON: (enters stage left) We're going to call them... what were you reading?

BILL CLINTON: (Quickly holds up a copy of TV Guide) I... um, I think they're having a Beavis & Butthead marathon on one of the new channels?

HILLARY CLINTON: Oh, Bill... you know what week this is.

BILL CLINTON: I do?

HILLARY CLINTON: Hello...? The Republican National Convention? The reason we couldn't get around downtown for the last few weeks?

BILL CLINTON: Oh! Ha ha... that's right, I'd forgotten about that-

HILLARY CLINTON: How could you forget about that, Bill?

BILL CLINTON: Why? I didn't get invited... did I...?

HILLARY CLINTON: Could you take this seriously for once? This election's in the crapper! They're going to make mincemeat of that stupid robot the party decided to back...

BILL CLINTON: Ha. Just like the last time...

HILLARY CLINTON: I'm being serious, Bill

BILL CLINTON: So am I, honey. Believe me...

HILLARY CLINTON: Oh, you're not still sore about that, are you?

BILL CLINTON: He coulda won if he'd let me campaign for him-

HILLARY CLINTON: He wasn't supposed to win, Bill. He was only ever there to make us look good.

BILL CLINTON: What?

HILLARY CLINTON: Don't you remember all that? We had all those nice, long talks with Dick Morris before he decided to switch sides again?

BILL CLINTON: (Blank stare)

HILLARY CLINTON: Poisoned chalice...? Positioning us for 2008...? Long term strategy...?

BILL CLINTON: ... so there's nothing on TV.

HILLARY CLINTON: (Long, exasperated sign) No, Bill, there's nothing on TV. Not unless you want to watch a load of Republican horseshit.

BILL CLINTON: Well, we lived through eight whole years of that.

HILLARY CLINTON: Along with a bunch of liberals who got religion after September 11th...?

BILL CLINTON: What?

HILLARY CLINTON: Check it out if you think you're man enough. Ron Silver already rolled on us, and I think Zell Miller's on right now...

BILL CLINTON: (blinks, and reaches for the remote) Zell Miller...?

HILLARY CLINTON: Oh, honey... don't. I don't want to see this. It'll just make me angry.

BILL CLINTON: It's what it is, honey. Can't run from it.

HILLARY CLINTON: I can't watch. I'm sorry... (exit, stage left)

BILL CLINTON: (Watches her leave, smiles, and points it the audience, turning it on) Ha. They oughta bottle this stuff... man could use the privacy...

(He gets Divorce for Dummies back out of the drawer, adjusts his reading glasses and starts to read.)

ZELL MILLER: (Stands up in the audience) ... and I have to say how utterly disappointed I am in most of my party, most notably our last Administration, for having sat on their hands for eight years and done absolutely nothing about the growing threat to our country, and then having the gall to badmouth our President for doing what they obviously could not, or would not, do themselves!

(A loud and deafening cheer erupts.)

(Bill drops the book in his lap, and grimaces, putting a hand to his chest. The lights on stage dim, except for the ones around his desk. The sound of cheering is replaced by a heartbeat. He slowly reaches for the bottle of antacids...)

(A bell rings, once.)

(Zell Miller sits back down, the heartbeat stops, the lights come back on full, and Bill resumes reading the book in his lap as though nothing had happened)

(Intern #1 enters Stage Right)

INTERN #1: (Musical voice) Oh Bill...?

BILL CLINTON: (comes right out of his own thoughts abruptly, and puts the book down) Yes, my dear...?

INTERN #1: What were you doing?

BILL CLINTON: (looks to the stage left door, as if expecting Hillary to come through it) Reading, honey.

INTERN #1: (coming closer to Bill) What were you reading?

BILL CLINTON: (Holding the book up, so she - and the audience - can see what it is) Oh, nothing important, honey.

INTERN #1: (giggles) How are those memoirs coming along?

BILL CLINTON: Oh... (puts the book down in his lap, and looks at the unpacked computer) You know, I'm still thinking of what to call them...

INTERN #1: (giggles) Oh. Ha ha... what did we decide to call them?

BILL CLINTON: How about... Your Executive Stress Relief is Here, Mr. President?

INTERN #1: (giggling and straddling Bill in his chair) Oh, you naughty boy...

HILLARY CLINTON: (storms into the room stage left) Bill!

INTERN #1: (no longer giggling, and diving behind the desk so we can't see her) Oh shit!

HILLARY CLINTON: ... I ... I beg your pardon?

BILL CLINTON: What?

HILLARY CLINTON: You know what? I've about had it with your shit.

BILL CLINTON: (Blank stare)

HILLARY CLINTON: I agreed to stay with you for the sake of my career... our career! And our daughter. And now... she's off in college and...

BILL CLINTON: ... so?

HILLARY CLINTON: How do you explain this?

BILL CLINTON: There's nothing on TV.

HILLARY CLINTON: Could you take this seriously for once?

BILL CLINTON: Ha. Just like the last time...

HILLARY CLINTON: I'm being serious, Bill.

BILL CLINTON: So am I, honey.

HILLARY CLINTON: And you're making me angry.

BILL CLINTON: Believe me-

HILLARY CLINTON: Oh, yeah... just like the last time.

BILL CLINTON: You're not still sore about that, are you?

(Hillary screams, flings her wedding ring at him, and stomps off stage left.)

(Bill grimaces, putting a hand to his chest. The lights on stage dim, except for the ones around his desk. The sound of a heartbeat can be heard. He slowly reaches for the bottle of antacids...)

(A bell rings, once.)

(The heartbeat stops, the lights come back on full, and Bill resumes reading the book in his lap as though nothing had happened)

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) Bill?

BILL CLINTON: (still in his own thoughts)

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) Bill...?

BILL CLINTON: (looks to the door) Yes dear?

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) What are you doing?

BILL CLINTON: Reading, honey.

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) What are you reading?

BILL CLINTON: (Holding the book up, so the audience can see what it is, again) Oh, nothing important, honey.

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) How are those memoirs coming along?

BILL CLINTON: Oh... (looks at the unpacked computer) You know, I'm still thinking of what to call them...

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) What? Bill, I told you what to call them, already.

BILL CLINTON: Oh. Ha ha... what did we decide to call them?

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) Never mind that, Bill. (Musical voice)Your executive stress relief is here...

BILL CLINTON: Yeah, that's it.... I think...?

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) No, Bill. Your executive stress relief is here.

BILL CLINTON: (blinks) My what...?

HILLARY CLINTON: (enters stage left, wearing a bathrobe) Oh, you know what I mean.

BILL CLINTON: (blank stare)

HILLARY CLINTON: Now don't make mama angry, you naughty boy...

(Hillary opens the bathrobe in Bill's direction, flashing him. Bill drops the book in his lap, and grimaces, putting a hand to his chest. The lights on stage dim, except for the ones around his desk, allowing Hillary to exit stage left. The sound of a heartbeat can be heard. He slowly reaches for the bottle of antacids...)

(A bell rings, once.)

(The heartbeat stops, the lights come back on full, and Bill resumes reading the book in his lap as though nothing had happened)

(Intern #2 enters Stage Right)

INTERN #2: (Musical voice) Oh Bill...?

BILL CLINTON: (comes right out of his own thoughts abruptly, and puts the book down) Uh... yes, my dear...?

INTERN #2: What were you doing?

BILL CLINTON: (looks around the room, as if really nervous) Um... reading. Just reading, honey.

INTERN #2: (coming closer to Bill) What were you reading?

BILL CLINTON: (Holding the book up, so she - and the audience - can see what it is) Oh, nothing important, honey...

INTERN #2: (giggles) How are those memoirs coming along?

BILL CLINTON: Oh... (almost puts the book down in his lap, and looks at the unpacked computer) You know... heh, um... I'm still thinking of what to call them...

INTERN #2: (giggles) Oh. Ha ha... what did we decide to call them?

BILL CLINTON: How about... um...

INTERN #1: (from under the desk) Your Executive Stress Relief is Here, Mr. President?

INTERN #2: (no longer giggling) Oh shit!

INTERN #1: (getting up from behind the desk as though she'd been right in front of Bill) Oh, you naughty boy...

INTERN #2: Bill!

INTERN #1: I beg your pardon?

BILL CLINTON: What?

INTERN #2: You know what? I've about had it with your shit.

INTERN #1: (Blank stare)

INTERN #2: I agreed to stay with you for the sake of my career...

INTERN #1: Our career!

INTERN #2: And our daughter!

INTERN #1: And now she's off in college.

INTERN #2: And... how do you explain this?

INTERN #1: There's nothing on TV.

INTERN #2: Could you take this seriously for once?

INTERN #1: I'm being serious! Bill...

BILL CLINTON: (obviously out of his depth, here) Um... so am I, honey. Believe me...

INTERN #2: You're making me angry!

INTERN #1: Ha. Just like the last time...

INTERN #2: Oh, yeah... just like the last time.

BILL CLINTON: You're not still sore about that, are you?

(Intern #1 screams and slaps him. Intern #2 shouts "NO!" and grabs her hand, and they wrestle one another to the floor behind the desk. Bill sits there, in shock at first, and then starts to look like he's enjoying the cat fight.)

(Suddenly, Bill grimaces, putting a hand to his chest. The lights on stage dim, except for the ones around his desk. The sound of a heartbeat can be heard above the sounds of the girls fighting. He slowly reaches for the bottle of antacids...)

(A bell rings, once.)

(The heartbeat stops, along with the girls' noise. The lights come back on full, and Bill resumes reading the book in his lap as though nothing had happened)

ZELL MILLER: (Stands up in the audience) ... and I have to say how utterly disappointed I am in most of my party, most notably our last Administration, for having sat on their hands for eight years and done absolutely nothing about the growing threat to our country, and then having the gall to badmouth our President for doing what they obviously could not, or would not, do themselves!

(A loud and deafening cheer erupts.)

(Bill looks up from the book in his lap, and grimaces. He quickly reaches for the remote and turns the TV off. Zell Miller sits down.)

BILL CLINTON: (muttering) Can't run from it...

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) Bill...?

BILL CLINTON: (looks to the door) Yes dear?

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) What are you doing?

BILL CLINTON: Reading, honey.

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) What are you reading?

BILL CLINTON: (Holding the book up, so the audience can see what it is) Oh, nothing important, honey.

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) How are those memoirs coming along?

BILL CLINTON: Oh... (looks at the unpacked computer) You know, I'm still thinking of what to call them...

HILLARY CLINTON: (offstage) What? Bill, I told you what to call them, already.

(Thumping footsteps at stage left announce her arrival. Bill quickly opens a drawer and tosses the book inside the desk.)

HILLARY CLINTON: (enters stage left) We're going to call them... what were you reading?

BILL CLINTON: (Quickly holds up a copy of TV Guide)

HILLARY CLINTON: Oh, your executive stress relief?

BILL CLINTON: I beg your pardon?

HILLARY CLINTON: What?

BILL CLINTON: Hello...? The Republican National Convention? The reason we couldn't get around downtown for the last few weeks?

HILLARY CLINTON: Oh. That's right, I'd forgotten about that-

BILL CLINTON: How could you forget about that?

HILLARY CLINTON: Why? I didn't get invited, did I?

BILL CLINTON: I can't believe you're not taking this seriously. This election's in the crapper! They're going to make mincemeat of that stupid robot the party decided to back...

HILLARY CLINTON: Ha. Just like the last time...

BILL CLINTON: I'm being serious, Hillary.

HILLARY CLINTON: So am I, honey. Believe me...

BILL CLINTON: Oh... shit.

HILLARY CLINTON: Oh, you're not still sore about that, are you?

BILL CLINTON: He coulda won if he'd let me campaign for him-

HILLARY CLINTON: He wasn't supposed to win, Bill. He was only ever there to make us look good.

BILL CLINTON: What?

HILLARY CLINTON: Don't you remember all that? We had all those nice, long talks with Dick Morris?

BILL CLINTON: Before he decided to switch sides again? Yeah, yeah. I heard him. The poisoned chalice, positioning us for 2008... all that long-term strategy horseshit.

HILLARY CLINTON: ... so there's nothing else on TV?

BILL CLINTON: What?

HILLARY CLINTON: Why don't you just flip the channel until you find something you can understand? I think they're having a Beavis & Butthead marathon on one of the new channels.

BILL CLINTON: You know what? I've about had it with your shit.

HILLARY CLINTON: ...I beg your pardon?

BILL CLINTON: I agreed to stay with you for the sake of my career

HILLARY CLINTON: Our career!

BILL CLINTON: And our daughter. And now she's off in college and I don't have a career.

HILLARY CLINTON: Well I do, mister Bill.

BILL CLINTON: Well good for you. What about me?

HILLARY CLINTON: What about you? Your career's the same one it's always been - making me look good. So sit on your ass, keep your pecker clean and do what I tell you. Got it?

BILL CLINTON: (Long, exasperated sign)

HILLARY CLINTON: ... so, like I asked... there's nothing else on TV?

BILL CLINTON: No, honey, there's nothing on TV. Not unless you want to watch a big load of Republican horseshit.

HILLARY CLINTON: Well, we lived through eight whole years of that.

BILL CLINTON: Along with a bunch of liberals who got religion after September 11th...?

HILLARY CLINTON: What?

BILL CLINTON: Check it out if you think you're man enough. Ron Silver already rolled over on us, and Zell Miller's on right now...

HILLARY CLINTON: (blinks) Zell Miller...?

BILL CLINTON: (nods, and reaches for the remote)

HILLARY CLINTON: Oh, honey... don't. I don't want to see this.

BILL CLINTON: It's what it is, honey.

HILLARY CLINTON: I can't watch. I'm sorry... (Exits stage left)

BILL CLINTON: (Watches her leave, smiles, and points the remote at the audience, turning the TV on) Ha. They oughta bottle this stuff... man could use the privacy...

INTERN #1 and #2: (poking their heads up from either side of him) Oh, you naughty boy...

(They duck back under the desk. Bill leans back a little, gets Divorce for Dummies out of the drawer, adjusts his reading glasses and starts to read, smiling widely as he does.)

THE GREAT CORNHOLIO: (Stands up in the audience) I am the Great Cornholio!!! I need teepee for my bunghole!!! I come from lake Titticaca!!! Titticaca!!! TITTICACA!!!

(A loud and deafening cheer erupts.)

(Bill drops the book in his lap, and grimaces, putting a hand to his chest. The lights on stage dim, except for the ones around his desk. The sound of cheering is replaced by a heartbeat. He slowly reaches for the bottle of antacids...)

THE GREAT CORNHOLIO: Do not make my bunghole angry!!!

(Lights out - Curtain falls - Exeunt)

* This is "loosely" based on David Ives' "Variations on the Death Of Trotsky," from All in the Timing - a collection of 14 of his one-act plays. They are literate, inventive, weird and quite funny, too. If you're crazy enough to like what you read on the rANT Farm - or even if you don't - I highly recommend checking it out.